we are reaching the end of the road: an ode to my friends

Dear O and C,

I don't know how to start really…so whatever is written here reflects my feelings toward this friendship that we have and that is, at the same time, slowly falling apart. why i said the latter is because i am starting to feel the symptoms of a failed friendship. whatever caused the failure is, i guess, not under my range of intellectual understanding. i have come to accept it though. that sometimes, things won't really work out for you no matter how hard you try to make ends meet. i have always thought that we have something precious…by precious i meant something that we will always treasure…for as long as we are living. i no longer give a damn about forever…i just want the friendship as long as i breathe the same air that you guys breathe. that simple. and no matter how simple it is, there are just ways of complicating it further.

i am under the weather right now; hence, i have the luxury to write you something i always have hidden here in my heart. it's a nagging thought really. the way it bugs me is just so unnerving. i mean how can a friendship built almost 8 years ago bother me? it does when things are no longer what they used to be. when things do change inasmuch as the people involve change. it's difficult for someone like me understand. naive? not much…but almost. i try not to make things complicated so that i can still go on thinking that my friends are just busy and not unkind. that we are living different sets of lives now that fitting each other in one's schedule is just too impossible. is that wishful thinking? even up to now i try to deny myself of the fact that we are reaching the end of the road. that from there, we have to take different paths. that parting means we no longer need each other's nagging presence.

it's pretty hard to swallow. especially for my kind. i have always put friendship on my priority list. i will do anything for a friend. and that is not just an understatement. but i guess i don't get rewards for that. that even if i try hard to keep something going for the sake of 8 years, my efforts are just not enough to hold you guys back. it pains me. so much that a tear is close to falling as i write this.

all the 8 years for nothing. all the efforts for nothing because we are afraid that holding on to this friendship will make us realize that LIFE IS NOT SWEET. that living through with this set of friends makes us vulnerable to the possible eviction from the norms of the society. that it is hard to be friends with those whose lives are not perfect because their lives reflect ours. a mirror image. and most of the time, we hate what we see in the mirror.

i hope i have said enough. enough to let out the burden of heavy thoughts.

we are through with togetherness. we are now going towards solitaire.

as for me being ahead in life (re: having my own family), i never meant to offend anyone with my choices. i never meant to make you guys realize that you are still single. being single is a choice, inasmuch as my being married; a good choice if you will just see around the circle and not over it. if ever i do owe you guys an apology, I am SORRY. i am sorry that my choices have somehow shattered something in our friendship that cannot be put back together. i am sorry for being so trusting with my friends. i am sorry for being true. i should have never felt pain because this friendship is supposed to make us feel, somehow, secure. but i was wrong, and i am sorry for that.

anyways, i will end here. and with this, i end all my concerns with you. i want to end this now because i never want us to come to the point that we will be bitter about having each other in our lives.

thanks for the 8 years. and thanks for being there before. i wish you all the great things that this friendship failed to give you.

Best regards,

Jogs.